FIRST DATES.  ALSO KNOWN AS WHY WE RECOMMEND NOT MEETING FOR COFFEE (AS MUCH AS WE LOVE IT)

When is the last time anyone bought you a cup of coffee when standing alone in line for a non-fat extra hot latte? Or sent a cappuccino over to your table?

Instead, meet for a glass of wine or a bite to eat on a first date. We do not recommend meeting for coffee. There are too many distractions in coffee shops and, more importantly, first-date-coffee-dates are not conducive to second dates.

There is a category of people who do not invest much time, effort or expense on first dates. Apparently, they have never heard the saying "there is only one chance to make a good first impression." Instead, the are adamant about meeting for coffee. They intentionally arrive early and buy themselves a cup of coffee. You arrive on time, or a few minutes late. Your date is sitting at a table with their cup.

WINEGLASSES

This scenario happens frequently with business networking meetings, often with people who can't be bothered with expense reports!

It can be very awkward. What do you do? Do you sit down and say, “I’m ok. I don’t need anything.” Or, do you leave the table, get in line and order your own drink? Do you both leave the table together to get the drink? Or does your date take care of it for you? Instead, meet for a cocktail where your table is serviced.

Our reference to alcohol is a metaphor. Of course, you can order sparkling water or another beverage, if you are not inclined to drink.

FIRST DATES ARE LIKE TRUTH SERUM. 

They conjure up all forms of anxiety, both good and bad. What do we mean by "good" anxiety?  An example is the ability of individuals to quickly compose themself and present a lovely image.

YELLOW CHRYSANTHEMUM TRUTH

Feel free to ask questions. Listen and make mental notes. Have you ever found that people who say they don’t like drama in their lives sometimes are those who actually create drama and perhaps seem to thrive on it?

Or others who say that they have no intention of every marrying? If this is a priority for you, keep this in mind before you get too deeply involved. Their long-range goal may be to date forever and never marry. However, some people simply say that they never want to marry (or remarry), but they really don’t mean it. It can be a defense mechanism to prevent disappointment. 

Some people say that they don’t want to have kids. Believe them. Respect them for their own introspection. Not everyone should parent.

Yes, some questions are stupid, especially on first dates.

Yes, some questions are stupid, especially on first dates.

You know the expression, "there is no such thing as a stupid question?" Well, we don't agree. Particularly, regarding timing. Here are few taboo questions on 1st or 2nd dates and first phone calls (all of which have been asked of us):

  • Who instigated your divorce?
  • When is the last time you had sex?
  • Do you see any dealbreakers with me?

These are absolutely valid questions and are fair game. But all in good time. Like not on a first date. If you are truly interested in this person, the best response is "That's an excellent long-term relationship question which deserves a thoughtful response, but it's not really appropriate on a first date. I hope you understand."

TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND SLOWLY EXHALE.  

Such people are fraught with anxiety which is a wholesale negative.

Empathy

It's mean and rude to tell your date that you prefer a different type of person. Our founder recalls an experience with a guy who reached out to her when she was using a popular online dating website. Both had viewed each others profiles and photos in advance. When they met, the date proceeded to tell her "I like blonds (she's a brunette)."  "I'm a leg man and like long legs (she's 5'4" on a good day)." In other words, he was saying, "I don't like you." 

If the person is not your "type," be polite and simply decline the next date. However, if what you have been doing is not working successfully for you, maybe you should rethink your "type" and be more openminded. How is that working for you anyway?

Don't insult them and say "I don't like people like you." It shows a complete lack of empathy. PS The rest of the story.  He also said "I like to take things slow." Then, he called her the next day and asked what she was doing that night. She called him out on all of the above. She said "I thought you liked blonds. I thought you said you liked long legs. And that you like to take things slow." He said "That's true but not with you! "

WE ARE NOT A MATCH. REALLY???

Have you ever had a blind date that was not interested from the moment they laid eyes on you? What do they say? Men take a nanosecond or so to make a decision as to whether or not they are interested in you and women take even less. Or is it the other way around? Whatever.

We are not a match. Really???

We are not a match. Really???

But the real killer is when they cap it off by announcing “We are not a match.” 

Does this need to be articulated? Once in a blue moon, it certainly does with people that simply don’t seem to get the clue. Or, with those who become stalkers; although, completely ignoring the stalker can be a better and necessary approach.

Generally, it does not need to be said. Are these people even qualified to know what an appropriate match actually is? Frankly, how do they even know?

Have they ever heard the saying “give someone a chance?” Do they have a list a mile long about what they want in a mate (aka looking for a unicorn)? Do they have even the slightest realistic assessment of themselves? Honestly, most likely not, but that’s beside the point.

In any case, if it’s truly not a match, why not just be polite and say “It was nice to meet you” and leave it at that?

For more information on Dating Tips and Safe Dating, be sure to click here.

DEALBREAKERS

3 Hour Max. We don't really agree with the "Millionaire Master Date" concept. Keep your first date to a maximum of three hours. Don't push it. Leave them wanting more. Maintain the excitement of something to look forward to in the future.

Don't go to a movie on a first date. There is little chance for personal interaction; it’s awkward and reduces opportunities for socializing. It is not possible to have a free-flowing dialogue. And who holds the popcorn? If the other person insists on going to a movie – try to meet first for a pre-movie drink. Hopefully, your film buff will forget all about the movie idea!

Go out in public. Do not go for a hike in a remote area or go for a walk in a deserted location. Plus, your cell phone may not work in a remote area.

Make sure that a friend knows your whereabouts and keep a charged cell phone with you.

Maintain a two-drink maximum so that you can keep your wits about you and, please, don’t drink and drive.

Keep your purse or wallet with you. Don’t leave it at the table with your date if you go to the restroom.

Watch your language. Most people can handle an occasional f-bomb or "four-letter word."  But certain language is verboten and can truly be offensive.