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Official PreQM Blog

To Do & What Not To Do in Dating. That is the Question. If it was only that easy. Where is Shakespeare when you need him? This is the official blog of PreQualified Mates, PreQM.



Self-Confidence: the Best Free Sexual Turn-on!

Self-Confidence. Are people born with it? Is it innate? Genetic? Or, a learned behavior molded & influenced by your upbringing? Honestly, it really doesn’t even matter, because you can get it. And, it's free.

The star athletes in school seem to have a fair amount of it, even if they lack it out of the shoot. They are picked first for teams. They're cheered on by their teammates, coaches, friends & family, & booed by opponents due to their prowess.

The popular kids appear to have it, too. As do the beauty kings & queens. And often, the kids with the dopest clothes and hottest bods.

Like Madonna, I was never elected the homecoming queen or anything.

I sure didn’t have it when I was younger. I was smart, pretty nerdy & uncool, I suppose. I had good grades & went to good schools. I always thought I was pretty cute, but I had body dysmorphic issues and lacked self-confidence & self-esteem.

A mermaid. What?

In my mid-20s, the president of the leading video game company & his head designer asked me to be the model for a soon-to-be famous video game. I did it. My avatar was used on the cover. My full body & face. If you were to see it, it’s clearly me. Just morphed into a blond mermaid. The 3 of us were the only people who ever knew about it. Until now.

What was wrong with my self-perception? Obviously, I must have been pretty fine & fit or they wouldn’t have asked me to do it. Right? I was so mortified & embarrassed that I never told a soul.

Early 20s. I must have been channelling Prince!

Early 20s. I must have been channelling Prince!

But what if I had? Maybe I could have had a career as a short model. Ha ha. If I’d let people know, I may have had more opportunities. Who the hell knows? But, I didn’t even try to leverage it in any way.

A couple of years later, I was living in the City. One night after I got home, I flipped on a late night TV talk show. The host was interviewing his supposed best friend. I remember thinking “what the hell are they going to discuss that they don't already know about each other?” I don’t recall what they spoke about, but as ridiculous as it may sound, it profoundly impacted my life. Funny, how that happens sometimes.

I’d been the master of brief relationships – most lasting only one to three months. I did have a couple of longer relationships (I dated one man for 5 ½ years & a college bf for a year), but mostly not. I used to get slightly upset & perturbed if I liked the guy & it didn’t last. Or, if they ghosted or broke up with me.

But, then I realized that these guys didn’t even know me. How could they after 1 date? Or 1 month? Or even 3? And who the hell were they anyway?

I came to an understanding of what I brought to the table. I thought that I had my shit together. I had a cool sense of style & took care of myself. I was independent. Fairly well read & traveled, for an American. I had a good job. I worked my ass off. I was pretty successful. I was in decent shape; I worked out every day. I was cute. My family was all right & respectable.

As Lisa Rinna constantly says on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, "Own it."

I'm sure I gave some the Ick, Quick!

Sure, I’ll own it. Maybe, Daisy Bernard would say, I may have given some, the ick quick. She wrote about this in her article on on June 30, 2017, “that cringe-inducing gut feeling that emerges…a sudden repulsion that you can’t shake.”

And, to some, I may have lacked a certain degree of depth. But, for the most part, these guys didn’t even know me.

But, it wasn’t always necessarily me. At times, it was about them. It was their issues. Their lack of depth & ability to allow someone to peel back the onion and see under their hood. And, it was their loss, too.

And when I came to that realization, I gained a tremendous boost of confidence. Thereafter, my relationships with men completely changed.

What changed about me? My attitude. My self-confidence. How I projected & carried myself. I do have somewhat of a high strung/ebullient/outgoing nature, but I think I was significantly calmer & composed as a result of the increase in self-confidence & self-esteem. And, I became even more successful at my next job. Woo hoo!

By accepting the past, you are making a choice to no longer live in it.
— John Kim, The Angry Therapist A NO BS Guide to Finding and Living Your Own Truth Parallax Press (April 18, 2017), p 24.

As Brené Brown says in her Ted Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, "Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."

Don’t blame your life on your upbringing. Your family. Your past. Get over yourself.

Own your future. If you need or want to work on something, then don’t delay. Do it. Are you waiting for Christmas, as they say?

Then, start holding your head up high. Look people in the eye. Smile. Be welcoming and emanate confidence. It’s infectious.

As my friend, Michael, says, “If you're happy with where you are at in life, successful at work or play, you radiate differently, and people do pick up on it.”

No one knows the REAL you like you do. So, don't leave your new romantic interest to fumble around in the dark. Perhaps, with a serious boost of self-confidence & self- esteem, you’ll be more honest and open. Use your self-confidence to do some of the heavy-lifting. This can save him or her from forming an inaccurate impression of you. Rather than being coy, shy, or embarrassed, this actively helps people get to know you.

Self-confidence truly can be sexy. It lets you showcase yourself on your own terms.

Not fear. Fuck fear. You simply cannot fall in love if you are afraid. You need to be fearless to love.