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Official PreQM Blog

To Do & What Not To Do in Dating. That is the Question. If it was only that easy. Where is Shakespeare when you need him? This is the official blog of PreQualified Mates, PreQM.

 

 

My Boyfriend Won't Friend me on Facebook. Is he an Ass?

My husband, Jeff, and I, double dated with another couple, Susie and Greg. Jeff previously dated Susie. Susie was very cute. Almost too cute. Is it awful that I never wanted my partner’s ex’s to be too attractive? She seemed genuinely friendly and nice. I liked her. Her bf was handsome. Easy on the eyes. They’d been together for a year.

During dinner, Susie asked Jeff “Are you on Facebook?” That’s a laugh. To say that he doesn’t bother much with social media is a major understatement. I don’t think he has the app on his current iPhone. He’s simply not interested.

I said, “Susie, if you send Jeff a friend request, I’ll accept it for him since he’s literally never on FB.” Then, she said, “Greg won’t even friend me on FB or accept my friend request.

Her boyfriend won't friend her, but he friended me.

Nice. Her boyfriend of a year.

Yet, by the end of the evening, Greg had sent me a friend request. What the fuck is with that?

Does it mean anything if someone isn’t on social media?

I introduced a couple just after Christmas when they were on the same continent. He’s listed in the Forbes 30 under 30. I have no doubt that she will be, too, one day. She’s terrific: brilliant, beautiful, fit, smart, great family. A 22 YO grad student. They met. Good intro. They friended. She returned overseas to complete her degree. He unfriended her. WTF? No one has EVER unfriended her. Maybe he’s dating others and wants privacy. It makes you go, hmm.

Facebook, Privacy & the Cambridge Analytica Scandal

The current issues with FB and privacy puts somewhat of a different spin on things. I certainly respect that and am concerned. In case you aren’t up to date, here’s an excellent matrix of the upshot of the scandal by Tom Warren of The Verge entitled THE CAMBRIDGE ANALYTICA SCANDAL: Understanding Facebook’s data privacy debacle.

Last week, my friends, Sean and Angela, eloped. They were former high school sweethearts. I think they may have been awarded the best couple in hs. They sure were the cutest. It’s so special that they’ve been back together since her first marriage ended. Sean’s been sporting a wedding ring nearly their whole relationship since he’s felt committed to her the entire time. Angela’s been wearing an engagement ring for a long time, as well, even though, she never intended to remarry.

Monday morning, Angela went to Pilates. The next moment, they both posted their beautiful wedding photo on FB and changed their relationship status to “Married.” Sneaky devils! They didn’t hesitate. Nothing to hide. FB blew up!

I met Robert a couple of years ago. Robert is tall, dark, fit, bright, stylish and smooth. He has a high profile position at a top firm. He says he’s separated. He’s shared photos with me of his wife and kids. She looks like she could be a Puerto Rican beauty queen. She probably is. Absolutely gorgeous. His young children are adorable.

Robert is not on social media.

Why? Well, Robert appears to be banging everyone in town. It’s not the best look on social media if you are tagged with a different woman every night. He also might not want his wife to see it on FB. My friends and I also question how separated Robert really is. He hasn’t applied to my dating site and hence, we haven’t checked.

Background checking invades privacy, but let's make love.

We suggest you do so. Information is power. Go online with the County where people say they divorced. Try a service like Backgroundchecks.com.

Don’t be scared. You may learn something interesting. Or nothing of significance at all. Run one on yourself, too, for comparison purposes! We check social media at PreQM. Again, it’s always a sign. A data point. Of something.

Check their LinkedIn profile while you are at it. When my 20 something gfs meet guys, they tell me they check FB to figure out who he is and “if he’s good/cute enough.” It’s a whole production. They check for his Instagram. If they’re a parent, they search for their kid’s FB & ex's to see if they can find pictures through them. They’ve been known to do the same thing with their “friends,” especially if they have friends who go out a lot or post lots of pictures. If they have any hobbies or special skills or an important job, they could also show up online if you search for them in that context.

My friend, Steve, recently had a broken engagement. He was pretty devastated. Even though he had “unfriended” his ex-fiancé and her partner in crime who he felt was instrumental in their demise, the two bitches kept appearing in his news feed. Thank you so much, FB algorithms.

Steve was going to get off of FB cause it was like adding salt to the wound. But, he knew if he did, he’d be disconnected from his daughters. So, he decided to sleep on it. That night, the love of his life, his former gf through hs and college friended him. Their relationship had ended after college when she moved to New York to continue her professional modeling career and he joined the military and was relocated overseas. Although they are currently on separate coasts, they are together-together. Who knows if they would have reconnected had he gone off of FB?

crop roger two plane having sex matt-artz-445462-unsplash.jpg

I met a 27 YO waitress. She told me that she dates a pilot from Jet Blue named Noah who she met on Tinder. She doesn’t know Noah’s last name. He’s on and off Tinder in a flash. She meets him in his hotel room in Santana Row for sex when he’s in town. They’ve never left the room. Ya think he’s married much?

Surprise! The former porn star is not on Facebook...

I was speaking with my friend, Mark. He’s a hot stud. He was in porn in his prior career. He says that’s why he’s divorced. He’s adorable and we’re friends. I asked if he’s on FB. He says he’s not. He’s made it clear that he thinks I’m cute and he’s always asking me to send him pictures of me. I’m like, “Dude, just friend me on FB and you can see more pictures than you probably would care to see.

I’ve asked him several times as to why he’s not on FB. I figured it had something to do with porn.

Well, I was off base with Mark. He finally told me the reason he’s not on FB. It’s actually something that we had not previously considered with PreQualfiedMates. He told me that he’d been addicted to it and was constantly checking FB. One day, he was checking FB while driving and he almost crashed his car. He thought he nearly died.

OK. Now, that is a completely legit reason. And Mark, don’t text and drive, doll.

Have dating apps really made relationships disposable?

The dating apps have created a culture of narcissism. They’ve made dating so disposable. One insignificant hiccup and you are swept into the trashcan.

We live in a very visual society. Like it or not. If you are single, we suggest that you are very careful about your social media presence. Particularly, every photo of you in the public domain, especially when you are tagged.

I tell clients to look at their photos. Why? Because, we’ve presented them to other matches who refuse to meet them for this very reason. We do offer photo editing.

 

In their abstract “A First Look at User Activity on Tinder” Gareth Tyson, Vasile C. Perta, Hamed Haddidi, Michael C. Seto (Queen Mary University of London, Sapienza University of Rome, Royal Ottowa Healthcare Group, July 7, 2016), they found “Women tend to be highly selective….leading to a starvation of matches for men.” And “…the greater concern that women have of deception…The need for men to have multiple pictures is far greater than for women.”

You got me at hello.

I love this. They found “The median message length sent by men is 12 characters, compared to 122 from women. For men, 25% of messages are under 6 characters (presumably “hello” or “hi).”

The thing is, if you are curious, then simply ask. If they can give you a reasonable explanation, all the better. And it may put your mind at ease.

If this makes you uncomfortable, then perhaps you shouldn’t be dating. You may need a dose of self-confidence. Put on your big boy or girl pants and grow up. As my husband always says, “this isn’t a dress rehearsal.”