Want a LTR? Getting Pitched FWB? That's a Hookup...
Guys, Why do so many of you think that FWB, Friends with Benefits, is such an appealing proposition? It must be working for you, otherwise, you’d stop asking.
Essentially the same thing as a fuck buddy, The Random House Dictionary, 2018, defines a FWB as "a friend with whom one has sex without a romantic relationship or commitment."
I’m hearing stories – one after the other - from women who are approached by guys who ask them if they want to be FWB, essentially, on the first “swipe.” I’m typing away and listening to them. Processing their stories. Writing my own.
Kathy is in her 40s, divorced, worldly, sophisticated, smart, and sexy. She wants to get remarried. She says men are constantly asking her after the first date if she’d like to be FWB. What’s with that?
She tells me “Like I need to get laid. I’ve always had a FWB. I just don’t say anything. It’s none of their business.” She adds, “I’m assuming husband material isn’t going to be great sex. Like a sidepiece would be.”
What’s a sidepiece? In this context, it’s not a piece of furniture.
In her article on July 31, 2017 on MedicalDaily.com, entitled “New Sex: The Psychology Behind Being a Side Piece in An Affair,” Lizette Borreli explains “The thought of not committing to someone and having sex without complications can deliver an intoxicating thrill. It’s a situationship that is free of emotional entanglements, where both parties make the most of their time. They both satisfy each other’s sexual needs and go on with their lives.”
Kathy’s remark about marital sex is sad. Cause theoretically, sex with your spouse should rock your world.
But, perhaps, that just a fucking fantasy. The old joke, “How do you get someone to stop having sex with you?” How? “Marry them.”
I started thinking about these women. And rethinking. I remember to consider the source. It takes two to tango; there are two sides to this equation.
You, too, are accountable.
How are you presenting yourself? What exactly do you say in your profile?
I’ve seen Kathy’s Bumble profile. Kathy’s profile says that she’s looking for a life partner. Yet, she mentions “bed” and “sex.” That’s cool, but it sets a tone. You are evoking a particular image. You can’t have it both ways. Prepare to be propositioned.
Sex is part of life for sure. Sex is real life.
I sounded like a complete prude when I was single in my online profile. I answered negatively to all of the sexually related questions, even if it was completely false. I did so on purpose. Cause I didn’t want certain types to contact me. And, it worked.
Get feedback on your profile from another set of eyeballs. Need a re-write? We, and others, offer editing services.
What do your profile photos look like? Are they provocative?
Guys, are you shirtless? Ladies, are you posing in lingerie? We’ve seen plenty of sexy bras. Woo hoo! Doesn’t leave much to the imagination. It’s all good, if you are looking for a hookup.
Jennifer told me that she wished that she’d saved all of the dick pick photos that men have sent her. Why? Because she’s planning to publish them in the book she’s writing about her dating experiences.
Roberta looked fabulous on the IM feature on a dating site. She got hooked looking at her own reflection. She was in her early 40s. With only one exception, every time she received an IM from a guy in his 20s, the cam was on his erection. How’s that working for you?
You might be amazed at the percentage of “singles” that submit their photos to us for editing who are wearing wedding rings. Their response is always “Oh, I didn’t realize.” Really? Are they that oblivious?
What are you texting? Are you leading with sex? Are you sexting?
Hallie says if the guy brings up sex before the first meeting, it’s virtually guaranteed to be the kiss of death. She won’t meet anyone from an APP that talks about sex prior to their initial meeting.
She used to do so, after they’d sexted. She said “It’s awkward, or we’d meet, and have zero chemistry because the sex talk ruined it.”
Hallie’s a flirt and exudes sex, so she’s careful with her banter. She hasn’t figured out completely how to dial it down. She was oblivious to it until just now. I’ll tell you what. I was aware of it. As are most people who know her.
What kind of people are you interacting with online?
Sophia told me that 3 men have offered to pay her cash if she will meet them. Like a hooker. She thinks it’s stupid to ask a stranger to be FWB (yet, she has them). She can simply call an ex and get it. She thinks going online for sex is dumb.
My 23 YO friend, Lennie, is supremely fit; a book smart girl. As an undergrad, she had a 3.96 GPA. She’s going back to school in the Fall for her PhD. She met a guy for lunch on an APP. He handed her a dozen roses. Stuffed inside the bouquet were (3) $100 bills. One would presume he expected sex. She ate and left with the flowers and the money.
Chelsea & I were chatting about FWB, too. Chelsea is a very successful professional with a high social EQ. She’s divorced. She told me that she has plenty of friends with bennies. She says FWB is not premeditated.
When she’s pitched FBW by strangers, it’s artificial. It’s a proposition, like a hooker. There is no intention of ever having a relationship.
I asked Chelsea to show me a picture of one of the guys. He’s 24, ripped, with an 8-pack. Handsome and smoking hot. Hello! Mind you, Chelsea, is late 40s, slightly overweight, and not physically fit. I mean, really? Yes, it’s not inconceivable, but unlikely that a guy like that would be interested in this woman in terms of a LTR. I’m just saying.
It’s not FWB if you pitch it on the first meeting. You aren’t friends. You’re still strangers. You want a hookup. A better acronym for this would be SWB, Strangers With Benefits. Legitimate FWB evolves organically, after you really are friends.
In her Psychology Today article, Suzanne Lachmann Psy.D explains “What It Really Means to Be 'Friends With Benefits'” from February 3, 2015. “For an FWB arrangement…you have to…have a sense of who both of you are with and to each other; and understand what feelings the emotional and sexual dynamic evokes in you….if there is room to…maintain the friendship, even at the expense of the benefits, then you are in a successful connection…because you're friends first."
Authentic FWB starts with the “F.” Friends. A friendship develops over time. It’s a natural evolution. A potential progression of a relationship.