Texting, Sexting & Dating: Some of the Worst Moves. Ever.
But, if you do, you better be good.
Particularly, at the start of relationships.
They just don't mix. Like oil & water. You know the saying, "Don't text and drive?" Well, we like the mantra, "Don't text and date!" Pull over? Some of you should possibly pull out. lol
Texting is so convenient. And, we get it that many popular dating apps force the issue.
Hey, I’ll fess up to it. I’m totally guilty. I can text with the best (or worst!) of ‘em. I’m a rapid-fire texter. If texting becomes an Olympic sport, I could win a medal.
If you do text & date, you better be good at it. Many people simply are not. Frankly, they suck. Are your texts getting you the silent treatment? You send a text. Or, perhaps, several, to someone that you would like to meet, and nothing. Nada. You're hearing crickets. Even some of the most articulate people we know send texts that get zero response. Try using a third party to craft a few clever texts for you.
I chat with people 24/7 about dating. For many, their relationship acumen is non-existent. They have no game.
I’ve been criticized because I don’t tell everyone, “Oh, yes, we can find you love.” I’m not a magician. Especially, if you don’t listen. I have a lot of experience. I know a ton about psychology. I’m the daughter of a shrink. And, I’ve attended continuing education for psychologists for nearly 15 years with my dad.
I’d venture to say that I’m an experienced dater, gf, fiancé and wife. Twice. And, I am a closer. That does differentiate me from lots of so-called dating coaches & matchmakers. Ask them, “When was the last time you got laid?”
If you are blowing it at dating, for god’s sakes, why don’t you try listening to someone who knows what they are doing?
You are your own brochure. That's why it's important to make the best first impression.
A 20-something woman contacted us because she blew it on a first date with a guy she met on Tinder. She’s very cute; a professional athlete.
Wendy: What did you do?
Janie: I was really late.
Wendy: How late? 10, 20 minutes?
Janie: No. An hour.
Wendy: Why were you so late?
Janie: Because I was an idiot & scheduled some meeting. Then, I couldn’t shut up on the date. And the guy, a very successful attorney, kept asking me stupid questions...”
She had not heard from him since they met. She obviously liked him or she wouldn’t be so concerned.
Somewhat ironically, she majored in English. She ordered our flirty dating text. We crafted the text for her & she immediately sent it to him. He responded instantly & they met later that day.
We really are pretty good at this.
Heads Up: If you are texting in your non-native tongue or in a foreign language, you should be particularly careful about your communication skills.
In all candor, I reply to most texts simply because I’m the founder of a dating site & I’ve been in sales my entire career. I’ve been professionally trained (really) to be very responsive. I’m also married and not available for dating other people.
Some people who text me (mostly men)…well, their English leaves a lot to be desired. Even some Native speakers (“How you?”…Huh? WTF is that?...I guess they didn’t take AP English).
Use a grammatical app. I’ve been using Grammarly for years. I discovered it when I was “helping” my daughter with a history paper in which the professor required the paper be written in a particular tense. That was a cluster.
I actually can write impeccably, but intentionally write colloquially under different circumstances, such as my blog. At times, Grammarly chokes at my vernacular.
Texting can be disastrous. It's an impersonal medium.
Relationships are not developed through texting. If you want to date someone, avoid it. Why?
Diane and Charles meet for a first date and both have a great time. The next day, Charles sends Diane a text. She texts back. He texts. She texts. And then nothing. Radio silence. You’ve fallen into the texting void.
Do you want to continue dating this person? Don’t text them. Trust us on this one.
Text messages can be misconstrued.
You’re busy and use the wrong word or punctuation. The accidental "!" versus "?" and the recipient goes off on you. Or ghosts you. Now, you are in recovery mode over a simple grammatical error. Precisely why texting does not form relationships.
Or, the recipient misinterprets your text. The written word often has a harsher view than intended. And, we are not always as articulate as we think. Especially, when you’re drunk or buzzed.
Killer Tip from the Safe: A Potential Home Run
Try sending a card. Like for the 4th of July. Something fun & clever. There’s nothing like receiving an old fashioned letter in the mailbox.
When he/she texts you, stop. Alter the pattern. Who knows? You may even make it to the altar.
In Benjamin Gardner et al. article in British Journal of General Practice, December 2012 Making Health Habitual: The psychology of ‘habit-formation’ and general practice, Experts say it can take 21 to 66 days to develop a habit and to potentially establish a behavior.
If your date texts you, don't text back. Pick up the phone and respond with a call. It’s important to be responsive, if you are interested. Do not necessarily call back every single time they text. Begin a new habit of not rapid texting banter. In his blog, Busting the 21 days habit formation myth, Gardner states "Habits are likely to persist over time; because they are automatic and so do not rely on conscious thought, memory or willpower."
So, don't start it. Easier said than done, I know, with all of that oxytocin, dopamine & testosterone firing off from texting love interests. We spoke with best selling author, Sam Beau Patrick, of Queensland, Australia. She sums it up pretty nicely in her blog: “…Remember the internal glow, the vibrancy racing through your body and the feeling that life was…juicy? That is the powerful and addictive nature of love hormones…When we fall in love we get a natural boost in our ‘love hormone’ oxytocin."
You got me at "Hello."
In their abstract “A First Look at User Activity on Tinder” Gareth Tyson, Vasile C. Perta, Hamed Haddidi, Michael C. Seto (Queen Mary University of London, Sapienza University of Rome, Royal Ottowa Healthcare Group, July 7, 2016), they found “The median message length sent by men is 12 characters, compared to 122 from women. For men, 25% of messages are under 6 characters (presumably “hello” or “hi).”
After a few weeks of callbacks, your date may get the message. Keep it up and in the long term, reflect back and compare the results of the texting dates and the calling relationships.
The Best Guidelines Plus the Rare Exceptions.
Do I’m having a wardrobe malfunction.
Do I'm running late.
Do I'm stuck in traffic.
Do There’s an accident.
Do I can’t park.
Don't Text other guys/gals while you are on a date.
Don’t Text anyone other than your kids or your parents while you are on a date unless it’s an emergency.
Don’t Go on a dating app while are on a date. This is a swipe-free zone.
Don’t Text whomever fixed you up during the date unless it’s an emergency and the date is complete psycho or unless you decide on the date to run off and get married. Even then, it's optional.
Do Keep your phone face down on a date, if you have to keep it on the table.
Don’t Turn over your date’s phone to look at anything unless they invite you to do so. It’s an invasion of privacy.
Don’t Text without reviewing it and the addressee. Oh, shit! I texted the wrong Lisa!
Do Picking up the phone is impactful. Here’s a concept. If you’ve met and had a great date, pick up the phone. Call. Tell them. And ask them out again. Here’s how.
If you have actually gone on a date in person (what a concept?), AND you have another date scheduled, contain yourself to a maximum of 2 texts/week with no more than 10 words/text. This may sound absurd. Just fucking try it. Make them wait. Build anticipation.
Sexting Standby. We are getting to that.
Exception - The Traveler: If you are dating someone who’s traveling abroad (or even on Wi-Fi on a long plane trip), then it certainly makes sense to text a bit. $ and cents, too. Depending on their plan, it can cost a fortune to send or receive overseas texts.
Exception - Celebrity Hall Pass for the Consummate Texter: A rare exception is the individual who runs the Presidential Donation Texting Campaigns. Yes, we know of one of these people. Someone like that - the supreme texter - gets a hall pass. But, that’s akin to the celebrity. This individual is a complete anomaly.
Re the Do's: it’s respectful and courteous to your date. But, be sure to pull over first, before texting.
Otherwise, for the mere mortals, our .02 is in effect.
Know when to fold ‘em: Have I been ghosted?
If they don’t call within two weeks, they are not interested enough. Some people are extremely busy, both personally and professionally, and have little free time.
Give them some time, but if they don’t reach out to you, regroup and move on.
That person is not for you. Don't worry. The world will not go off of it's axis.
Sexting: Was it good for you?
You get into a rapid-fire texting banter with someone. They text, you text back. It’s flirty. It’s fun. It’s sexy. It gets hot. Bring on the Sexting.
Another bad idea. Particularly, if you’ve never met.
Here’s the thing. What do you want? A relationship? IRL interaction of any sort? If you do, don’t sext before you’ve ever met in person.
If you aren’t interested in meeting IRL, that’s another story. And we’ve heard plenty of them. Crazy, fabricated, fake “relationships.” I’m going out on a limb here, but texting, Sexting & video chats with someone you have never met in person are not really real. It can be powerful, but it’s not authentic.
It’s extremely rare that starting with Sexting ever leads to a relationship. The interaction is sticky, feels funny and is tainted from the outset. It’s difficult to overcome. Pun intended.