Can you stop texting and get dates?
My gf, Emmy, is crashing with us for a couple of weeks. She’s in her 20s, sweet & a former child star. Not really, but we want to keep her identity on the down low. So, let’s go with Emmy, the actress. But, in reality, it was something admired and well respected. We adore her.
Emmy & I went out after work for mani pedis. Then, of course, Miss Emmy is hungry. I’m like, planning to actually make one of my favorite salads for dinner. Celery & lemons. Sounds gross, but it’s delicious!
“No, that’s not enough food,” she says.
OK, then. The nail salon is next door to our favorite local Japanese restaurant, Koma Sushi. We love it; it seems kind of mutual. Could it be cuz we send everyone shots of sake? You actually never know who you’ll see there, too. Superbowl rings. Who knows who from Stanford and the hood?
We always have a bottle of sake on tap with our name on it. Emmy and I are putting away shots and liberally sending shots around the restaurant. Fun fun. She hands me her phone.
“Do my texting for me,” she says. Jeez, dude. I still had carpel tunnel from the last time. She knows I offer text crafting as a service on my website. For a nominal fee, I might add. 😊No guarantees, but, what do you have to lose? A couple of bucks? Big deal.
Emmy has zillions of matches. She’s a doll. The guys look pretty high on the food chain, too. Handsome, tall, Ivy Leaguers, professionals, doctors, right down the list.
Now, isn’t this a cardinal rule? Don’t text & drink? Well, I sure destroyed that one. Why not?
It’s easy to text the wrong thing.
And, the wrong person.
Or, the wrong sentiment.
There’s no retracting it.
Once it’s out there.
One of the guys went to UChicago for Med School. Well, UChicago is kinda in my wheelhouse. He texts something & I’m like, “Yeah, where fun goes to die?”
Emmy & I side barred. I briefed her on the backstory of my texts & how I know so much about that place, etc. Check check.
I keep texting. One dude. Another. And another. Then, in a blink, it goes dark.
She’s like, “Oh, someone must have sent them a boob pic.”
Really? I’m like, “Maybe they fell asleep. Or went out. Or turned off their phone (now, there’s a concept!).”
The next evening, she says, “I need a date. What do I say now?”
Christ. So, I crafted another winner. Yes, I’m good. What can I say? It’s now a date fest. Honestly, I can’t believe she didn’t pick up the tab for dinner. JK. 3 guys. 3 dates this weekend. No lie. And frankly, all pretty much G-Rated texts. Here’s the thing. You can text yourself into oblivion.
How to stop texting and get real dates?
Emmy wants a bf. She wants to get married. She thinks she’s ready. That’s good. She knows what she wants. And, she does not want to text, non-stop. She wants a real relationship.
She says she sucks at texting. I know she goes straight to sexting. It’s her comfort zone. I called her on that and she owns it.
She actually told me, “Oh, god, you are good.” She said, “I bet you’d kill it at sexting.”
I’ll bet I could sext like the best of them. I feel a book deal coming on!
I know that I can text like a mother-fucker. Like the Vampires in True Blood. Just ask my daughter. I laugh about it; unfortunately, my daughter doesn’t.
I shared the stats from the study,“A First Look at User Activity on Tinder”, [Gareth Tyson, Vasile C. Perta, Hamed Haddidi, Michael C. Seto (Queen Mary University of London, Sapienza University of Rome, Royal Ottowa Healthcare Group, July 7, 2016)] with my daughter. I said that she’s like a guy with me, with no more than 12 characters/text & I’m like the girl to her with 122/text. She agreed.
So, what’s the difference between how we text?
Emmy does a bee-line to sexting. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Boobs. Snapchat. More boobs.
Unlike Kavanaugh, I didn’t save ALL of my calendars, but I do have some. This is just a swag, but I’m going to guess I’ve gone on dates with 500+ different guys in my lifetime. Not boyfriends. Not lovers. Not husbands.
I dated one guy in my mid 20s once a week for 1 year and only kissed him twice. It still grosses me out to think that I even did that. Blech.
Out of say, 500 dates/guys, I can recall getting stood up by 1. Yeah, I was kind of stunned; all dolled up for a no-go/no-show date. I’m sitting there, waiting for the guy. Crickets. Annoyed.
These two men are nearby watching me. I told them “I think I am getting stood up.” They were so nice & invited me to join them for dinner. I declined, but, later, I did go on a date with one of them. My husband & I totally laugh about it, cause the man is a judge &, well, let’s just leave it at that.
That’s why I always tell people to go. Just get out there. You may meet someone else. Who knows? Who are you going to meet staying at home? Most people are not like my husband who got fixed up all the time when he was single; he’s an anomaly.
It's the true content: who, what, when, why, and how
Why did I have so many dates and only get stood up once, that I recall? I’ve been in sales and sales leadership my entire career. Yes, I can close. No fucking around. Well, that’s not true. But, I don’t leave it to chance. I actually thought, maybe it’s me. Possibly because of how I carry myself? People do apply certain attributes to me which are not always accurate. We all do so about everyone. A convenient, brain filing system, if you will.
However, after closing the 3 guys with HER profile and my verbiage, I realized it was how I engaged the conversation. What I said. How I replied. And, what I didn’t show or say.
If it's not working, it's time to make big changes
I ask singles all the time, “Is what you are doing working for you?” I already know the answer. NO. Hell no. My follow up is, “If what you are doing is working, then keep on doing what you are doing.” If it's not working, try something different. In other words if not, then TRY SOMETHING ELSE.
I did send her another text. I texted her what my dad said to me. I was quite mortified at the time. I was about to have my first date in 11 years after my marriage failed.
My dad never called me on the phone in those days. Like, once a year, on my birthday. But everyone knew I was having a date. He called me 5 times that week. WTF, Dad? My father was a shrink.
Don’t have Sex on the First Date
He said, “Don’t have sex with him on the first date.” Click. I thought I’d throw up. He called me back 4 more times that week and said the same thing each time. Dad, please!
Why did he say this to me? Perhaps, his entire practice was comprised of people getting divorced and in messed up relationships? I have no idea. However, he knew human behavior & what goes on in relationships.
Is it because so many people are so desperate, hard up and horny that they just bang whoever will date them? Brian Howie says “If you surveyed 1000 happy couples and asked them when they first had sex, the overwhelming #1 answer is the first date. The #2 answer is the second date. The #3 answer is the third date, and so on...”
I’m not saying not to have first date sex. Nope. It’s just, maybe, you should try something different. So, what do you do? Cut the texting. Repeat after me. Stop texting. Are you hearing me? BTW, texting too much or too little can be a turn off for both men & women. It’s complicated. I tell people this every day. I tell them to stop texting.
STOP. Pretty please, with sugar on top.
Top 3 Final Don'ts and Exceptions to the Rules
Don’t text other people during a date.
Don’t use dating apps while you are on a dates. It’s very rude. Emmy has done it. She was swiping on Bumble.
“Why,” I asked?
“Cause he was so boring.”
Don’t call/text/email for work in front of your date. I know a gal who was texting co-workers on a first date. So fucking rude.
I understand that Freddie Couples leaves his phone in the car. I don’t think Freddie is known for his sense of humor; more his handicap and dashing looks. But, Freddie has a famous line. “Why don’t you answer you phone, Freddie?” He said, “…because there might be someone on the other end.” I can not imagine that Freddie would ever text someone, other than a family member, on a date.
Texting Exceptions: Kids, Parents, & Emergencies