Sex & Dating
He wanted me to have sex with him on the first date. I said no. I've never heard from him again. Did I do something wrong? What should I do now?
Some people are only interested in sex. They won't call you if you don't have sex with them. Isn't it better to know this after only one date? If you pursue them, they may not respect you, no matter what you do. They may have done you a favor. It sounds funny, but it's not personal.
Dating has really changed. Between the collegiate "hookup" culture, apps that are designed for this purpose, and overall dating challenges, it can be difficult to know what to do. The elephant in the room.
When exactly is the sex date?
If someone buys your dinner, sex is not required as a dessert course. Even Ivy League College students have told us that if their date treats for dinner, they are supposed to have sex with them.
Many women in their 20s have sex on the first date. They ask, "how else are you supposed to know if the sex is good?"
Is the sex good with a stranger? Do you really want anonymous sex? Do you know their last name? Oh, by any chance, are they married? If you are ready to bang them on the first date, you may not even care. But, you can quickly check online with the County and also run a background check for a few bucks. Oh, but is that gonna blow the moment?
A group of us were chatting at a wine bar in Palo Alto. All attractive, successful, single men with high social EQs, for the most part, & me, the married female. One divorced, Asian guy, around 40, said, "I only meet first dates for coffee. There is no way that I am buying them dinner if they are not going to have sex with me. I'd rather have a prostitute, cause then, sex is guaranteed." We all fell out laughing. All the guys thought he was kidding and drunk. But, I thought he was speaking his truth.
What do you want?
What you really want a relationship? Do you know? Maybe, you really don't, and that's ok, too. But, perhaps you should try to figure that out.
Is it ok to have sex on the first date?
Do you think that having sex the on the first date leads to long term relationships? We know couples in long-term marriages who had sex the first day they met, but they are the anomalies. For the most part, the answer is no, simply because most first dates, do not lead to second dates. And most relationships do not last one month.
Many people, both men & women, have deep seeded values. Men often admit that they won't commit to women who have sex with them on the first date.
Three Date Rule?
I once asked my husband & his best friend, a former professional baseball player, if they knew about the 3-date rule. They completely feigned ignorance. I was really concerned because so many women abide by the 3-date rule and thought, "well, that explains it! The women are following the 3-date rule, and the men never received the playbook!" Until I realized, months later, that they were joking.
No means No. You, too, frat boys.
An invite into their home, does not mean an open invitation for sex. If your partner says, "No," "Stop," "I can't do this," is drunk, or passed out, then stop. Try to make sure that they are safe and politely leave.
Sometimes, women can control when sex occurs.
Have you been tested?
Remember to always practice safe sex. It's also in your best interest to ask each other for your STD test results; some of these things last a lifetime. Others can be fatal. It is illegal to misrepresent your test results. I was chatting with a friend about a failed relationship. I asked why she stopped seeing him. She said "it's because he likes boys, too." I said, "did you practice safe sex with him?" She said "no, but I got tested." I'm like, "why were you having unprotected sex with a bi-guy, not to mention, people with multiple sex partners?" All my gay male friends use condoms.
No Glove, No Love
We spoke with a MFCC who told us that he sees professional women in his office all day long, every day. He says that if the guy wants to have sex of the first date, the women go for it. And, if the guy won't use a condom, they will do it anyway.
We've heard many times that "I don't use condoms because I want it to feel good for him." Well, guess what else can happen if you don't use protection?